Sexual Abuse Survivor

In First Grade

2008-01-11T05:18:00.000-08:00

In first grade I chased a girl in the cloak room.
I chased her and tried to kiss her
because it seemed like the thing to do.

Two years later I would be in the cloak room
with my stepfather
the school janitor.

I would do anything he told me
because I would be afraid of what he would do
if I said no.

But in first grade I chased a girl in the cloak room
I chased her and I kissed her
because it seemed like the thing to do.

Dreaming in Black

2008-01-11T05:02:00.000-08:00

I took the pill because it was handed to me.
I took the pill because anything is better than this.
I took the pill and I sat there
and sat there and sat there.

My muscles turned to jelly.
My whole body began to dissolve.
My brain actually stopped.
For a full glorious hour, my brain stopped.

I could see but I couldn’t feel.
My mind was free to drift.
Everything I saw had no purpose
and all my memories were gone

I rode the wave and I smiled.
The smile meant nothing
and nothing meant happiness.
My brain was off.

I took the pill but it didn’t last.
Thirty minutes later everything returned.
Memories came flooding back
and I needed another pill

Afraid of the Dark

2008-01-09T09:11:00.000-08:00

Giant spiders in the basement
their huge, bloated bodies
scraping across the concrete floor.

Vampires at his bedroom window
tap, tap, tapping on the glass
with razor sharp fingernails.

Severed heads suspended in the darkness
their faces distorted with fear and menace
glaring at him from the foot of his bed.

None of these imagined childhood terrors
could compare to the lustful hands of an adult
reaching out for him in the night.

Behind the Boiler Room

2008-01-09T09:05:00.000-08:00

Behind the boiler room
in the basement of the school
there is a small office with a desk
where the janitor keeps his dirty magazines.

Behind the boiler room
in the basement of the school
there is a small child, no more than eight
who grits his teeth and tries not to cry out.

Behind the boiler room
in the basement of the school
the child lies on top of the desk
and feels the janitor pushing into him.

Behind the boiler room
in the basement of the school
memories are being fashioned
smells and sights and sounds of childhood.

Behind the boiler room
in the basement of the school
the child learns about desire and self interest
about the scent of a man aroused.

Behind the boiler room
in the basement of the school
the child learns about sex and pain
and how they are linked.

Behind the boiler room
in the basement of the school
is where the child will still be
when he wakes up sweating thirty years later.